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When a child tells you something
Written by
Hamson Philips
•
Most people who receive a disclosure from a child are not professionals. They are a parent, a teacher, a coach, a neighbour, an older sibling. They have had no training, they are shocked, and what they do in the next few minutes matters more than almost anything that happens afterwards.
It is worth knowing this in advance, because there is no time to learn it on the day.
Believe them, and say so out loud
Children almost never fabricate abuse. The far more common failure runs the other way: a child tells, is doubted, and does not tell again for years, sometimes decades.
Say the words. "I believe you." "I am glad you told me." "This is not your fault." A child who has been told for months that nobody would believe them needs to hear the opposite from an actual person, immediately.
Do not investigate
This is the counterintuitive one, and the one most often got wrong by people acting entirely in good faith.
The instinct is to establish what happened — who, when, how many times. Resist it. Detailed questioning by an untrained adult can contaminate a child's account in ways that are irreversible, and defence lawyers know exactly how to use that. A case that could have been prosecuted can be lost in a well-meaning kitchen-table conversation.
Let the child say what they want to say. Use open prompts only — "tell me more about that", "and then what happened" — and never suggest content: not "did he touch you", not "was it your uncle". Then stop.
Manage your own face
Children read adult reactions closely and interpret them as being about themselves. Visible horror, anger or tears are read as "I have caused this" or "I was right that this was too terrible to say". Many children stop mid-disclosure for exactly this reason.
Your distress is legitimate and it needs somewhere to go. It just cannot go there, in that moment, in front of them.
Do not promise secrecy
A child will often ask you not to tell anyone. You cannot agree, and saying you will and then not doing so is a second betrayal on top of the first. Be honest instead: "I cannot keep this just between us, because keeping you safe is more important. But I will tell you who I am going to talk to, and I will not disappear."
Write it down
As soon as you are alone, write down what the child said in their own words, as exactly as you can, with the date and time. Not your interpretation — their phrasing. Memory degrades fast and contemporaneous notes carry weight later that recollection does not.
Then hand it on
In Sweden, anyone can report a concern to social services in the child's municipality, and people working with children are required to. If a child is in immediate danger, call 112. The non-emergency police number is 114 14.
BRIS supports children on 116 111 and adults seeking advice on 077-150 50 50. ECPAT Sweden takes reports of sexual exploitation material at ecpat.se/hotline.
You are not required to be certain, and you are not the one who decides whether it is true. That is what the system is for. Your job ended when you listened well and passed it on.
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